Feelings...What are they good for?

Argh, I have feelings for someone, and I don't think that it's the best place for me to be right now. Feelings they just get in the way. I need to be rational about this...I am not particularly attracted to him, well I thought I wasn't... but talking and crap that gets in the way too. I am a female after all and what you see at the beginning isn't always what you see once you get to know someone.
I did finish a new painting which I have been staring at for quite some time now in my living room. It is based on a series of drawings that I have been working on in my sketch book. I have also been working on another painting for a show that my friend is having at her shop. That won't be for quite awhile so I don't want to spoil the surprise just yet.
I did have a great weekend this past week with some friends in Las Vegas. It was my first time going and besides all the heat it was a pretty enjoyable time. We sang in a Samoan Mass, at a very modern Catholic Church. We had amazing Samoan bar-b-q, and then the night time came, myself and three others decided to hang back and catch some of the night life. We visited the famous strip and wandered though many of the famous hotels. We ended up dancing in a club in New York, New York and spending the last part of the night in Downtown at an artsy sort of Bar called "The Griffin." I can honestly say it was one of the best times I have had in quite some time. Not only because it was Vegas but I was with some really great people who I got to know just little bit better.

OH Crap!

I don't know. I haven't been painting much. I suppose that whether I paint or not doesn't really matter. I have this blog that no one really reads so whatever. I have so much going on in my mind right now that I don't even know where to begin. Because all in all I like to do things for the sake that some one else will get something out if it. Not just me. I like being in the conversation. I like going back and forth giving and taking. I feel alone so much of the time. I write to appease a burning within in me that I can't fully articulate.

I work 8 hours a day now. I have a few good friends and not that I don't love them. But something is missing. I went to church tonight the Pastor discussed Romans 10. I wish I could have been more vigilant to keep up with all of it but my mind kept wandering. But I guess the gist of it was about God being sovereign over "all." That includes the acts of stupid feeble minded humans. Does God allow us to do the things that we know aren't right? Why would he? Very heady stuff that I am still trying to digest.

I have to say that I haven't been a very good Christian. I allow my discontentment and my loneliness get the best of me. I love doing art and I love singing in the choir at school but I know this isn't all my life is supposed to be.

I know things are going to change drastically in the upcoming months and I suppose it's about that time. A whole new thing will appear in my life and I will have to adjust. I don't know how difficult it will be but it is coming. I just need to keep my head above water until then.

What Art? Life?

Ok, so I have been slacking a little bit. But I do have a few paintings in the works which I will post as soon as I think they are ready. I have also decided to work on another artist book which all started because a friend of mine decided to have a craft night and I needed something small to work on.
Most of my time these days is actually going to a summer voice class. I am trying to get over my fear of singing in front of people, as well as improve my technique. It's interesting but I like confronting my fears, I mean I have never really been one to back down when things get tough and I guess it gets easier as you get older. I have come to the conclusion that all the things I am interested in will probably never result in a career but I guess that's ok. As long as I can do the things that I love I suppose it doesn't matter.
Another interesting life changing thing is the addition of a kitten in my house. she is so adorable yet she can't seem to stop attacking anything that moves especially my hands and feet. she chews on everything, she runs around the house jumping and flailing about. It is quite entertaining. Yet she won't let me sleep and she has scratched and bitten the crap out of my hands.I have been told it is just like having kids where they do all these things to annoy you but they are so cute you can't stay mad at them. I guess I can understand that.

Music and stuff.

If you don't already know I am also interested in music. I have been in the choir at LBCC since Spring. I am also taking a voice class this Summer. I am kind of nervous about it. I like to look at it like how I show my paintings. I am presenting a song just like I present my art and then allowing others to interpret and make comments about it. I have been in choirs my whole life and I enjoy everyone singing together. Singing solo is something very different. I have taken one voice class before, but that was quite sometime ago. I am jumping in again. It's just opening myself up to a new experience, which at this point I could use in my life.

I have also been thinking about my upcoming birthday and reflecting on the many years I have been here on this earth. If you would have asked me back in high school what my life would be like in 10 years; that I would have a BFA in Drawing and Painting and on the verge of her 28th birthday with no family to speak of. I wouldn't have believed it. It's amazing how things don't happen at all like you think they will.

Ecc 3:11

He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.

A verse I should remember as I struggle to understand what my life really means and as I struggle to not be discontent at where God has me right now. I wish I knew what he was up to.

How It all Relates

The last post is just some of my earlier paintings that sort of jump started where I am now. I like most artists live in my head. It gets crowded some times. I wanted to display in visual form the thoughts and feelings that continually run through my head. I suppose in some way all art is like this. But I try to relay certain feelings with certain images. I continually have feelings of loneliness, so I suppose that is a continual theme. I am also always thinking about how my faith in Christianity relates to all these feelings. As a Christian growing up in a fairly conservative family, I was always told that God had a plan for me. I could and should trust in Him only for everything. If I didn't have something or if something happens there is always a reason and God is using this conflict to teach me something. I agree with this still. But how does one deal with doubt and being angry for where God has supposedly put me in my life? These things consistently plague my thinking. Out of the turmoil of my thought life comes the inspiration for my paintings. Here are some of the paintings I did from my show "Nothing Is Satisfied"at CSULB last Fall.

Paintings

Why am I doing this?

Okay, to be honest with you and most importantly myself. I don't know what I am doing with my my life. If I even have control over anything at all. I can't live with out creating art. My life is my inspiration. I create art because it satisfies something in me, but the pain never really seems to go away. I have an innate need to do these things and I can't distinguish my art from my life. My life is an art. Everyone's life is. It is all how you look at it I guess. I don't read many blogs myself, so I am not sure what everyone else is doing but to be honest I don't really care. I need to share all these things that I create. My head is the worst place to be at times and I see things all too well. I see things that I wish I could not see. I also believe that most people choose not to see, and that makes my sight that much more apparent. But, why am I doing this blog thing? Well, because everyone else is doing it. My roommate told me about it. I wanted to catalog my art and my life in a tangible way. I have kept journals from as far back as 5th grade. I guess I just need to know that someone out there is reading them. I may at times even post some of those old ones just to give some perspective.